EXCERPTS
In the UK, shared parental leave, or SPL, was introduced in April 2015. The aim? To improve women's career opportunities by splitting the responsibilities of raising children. Plus, it gave fathers more time to bond with their babies.
Instead of the traditional 52 weeks of maternity leave and two weeks of paternity leave, parents can share up to 50 weeks (and 37 weeks of statutory pay) between them. Already the norm in Nordic countries, SPL had big ambitions to help address the economic disparity between men and women.
The thing is, we haven't exactly seen a new generation of pram-pushing dads. As few as 2 percent of eligible new parents take advantage of SPL a year. Just 9,200 people took SPL from March 2017 to March 2018. What's more, figures obtained by the law firm EMW suggested that the number could be even less than that.
Scratch the surface and you'll find many reasons why uptake has remained low. According to Katherine Twamley, senior lecturer at University College London, lots of parents don't even qualify for the scheme – they're either self-employed or haven't worked long enough for an employer.
She conducted one of the first field studies of people’s attitudes to SPL and found that, for those who did qualify, financial worries were (understandably) a big concern. While SPL is useful for families in which the mother is the higher earner, the reality is that many fathers will earn more.
Another big barrier is understanding how the system works in the first place. Many parents simply don't know SPL exists because their companies haven't publicised parental leave or pay policies properly.
Still, SPL can work. ELLE chatted to parents who've effectively split the responsibilities, discussing the realities of balancing home/work, and how to have a real conversation on the subject.
Clemmie Telford, Creative Director and Instagrammer, is mum to Bertie, two, Woody, four, and Greta, one
With my first two kids, I went back to work after nine months. My husband, Ben, was self-employed and took the typical two weeks. By our third child, we’d learnt a whole load and decided to do it differently.
The reality is, of the two of us, I’m the bigger earner. One of the key reasons we picked SPL was financial – it made most sense for me to go back to work. Third time round I still took nine months off work, Ben then took the last three.
I had a job at Facebook, where men are given four months full pay parental leave. I saw first-hand how that shaped a business. If you have both men and women going in and out, because of childcare, it becomes less of a thing. When I got pregnant, I said to Ben I thought he ought to have a go. I also didn't want to have any more than nine months out of the workplace.
My advice? Start the conversation early. You can very easily find yourself at the end of your pregnancy without having sorted anything out. And once you've had the baby, it's really hard. It takes some navigating, too, and not just with your partner. Ben had to fight for SPL – his HR department didn’t know anything about it. And he experienced what most women will experience – being missed off important emails, side-lined – as well as comments from his boss.
But I do think SPL is an amazing thing for guys to do. A lot of people assume maternity leave is like an extended holiday, with lots of coffee and cake. As a woman, it’s hard not to go: 'I told you so.' I really had to let him work it out for himself. Now he’s got a great bond with not just our baby, Greta, but all three kids. It’s also great for our son, Bertie, to see mummy go to work (and daddy doing the domestic stuff).
I do struggle with people going 'oh, you’re so lucky'. It’s so infuriating. 'Isn’t he doing a wonderful job?' Sure, it’s the same job women have done for decades. But, crucially, by swapping roles, you both have empathy for each other’s point of view. It’s stressful being the sole earner. I’d come home and find myself saying all those clichés, like why isn’t the house tidy? Now I can relate.
As women, we have to relinquish a bit of control. It's really difficult to hand over your baby. There’s a bit of mum guilt, you know? Secondly, it’s men being brave enough. But if dads take three or six months off, really, it's such a small amount of time. In the grand scheme of your career, it’s a drop in the ocean.
Gareth Watkins, Acting Production Editor at Stylist, is dad to Elodie, five, and Romy, two
In March 2018, I decided to be a stay-at-home dad. It wasn’t a hard decision to make. SPL was unavailable when my first daughter was born, and my fiancee, Sophie, and I knew we were only going to have two kids – this was my last chance.
We both have similar jobs, earning pretty much the same wage. Once you factor in the cost of childcare on both our wages, or not having to pay childcare on one wage, the difference was pretty negligible. I also really wanted to do it.
The hardest part? Starting out, just the graft. Remembering all the admin, making sure everyone had food and water at the right time. It's a lot of work physically and mentally. Once I'd got into the swing of it, the loneliness kicks in. Even though there are groups and you have mates in the same boat, a lot of time is spent, in effect, in your own company (you can't really discuss Line Of Duty with a nine-month-old).
You can feel the world is passing you by, especially the world of work, which can cause anxiety. It's easy to see how mums succumb to post-natal depression, especially with all the physical and hormonal changes. But SPL gave me a far greater understanding and respect for mums, as well as a skillset I realised I was sorely lacking in (despite priding myself in being a hands on dad). It also gave me a sense of pride that I hadn't experienced in any job before, and doubt I will again.
My relationship became stronger in many ways, too. Sophie appreciated being back at work as much as I appreciated being off. There was less tension around the balance of emotional and actual labour at home than when we're both working. For the first time I felt like I was able to contribute more than I had before.
Why does uptake remain low? It has to be money. The gender pay gap means men are still the main earners in many households. Families simply can't afford to lose that wage. Equally, companies offer no financial incentive to take SPL, and are under no obligation to contribute, so don't. I've also never heard of anywhere actively encouraging it.
There must still be a stigma about men taking on a traditionally female role in predominantly male work environments that puts men off, even if they are tempted. More needs to be done so it becomes commonplace, otherwise there’ll always be a stereotype.
When my SLP finished I actually handed my notice in so I could freelance around more childcare for both my daughters. Last year felt like a bit of an endless summer (in both good ways and bad) but I’ll never regret taking the leap.
Lena de Casparis, ELLE UK's Culture Director, is mum to two-year-old Roma
As a couple, my partner and I divide up everything equally – and we didn't want to change that. We'd always discussed parenting being as equal as possible between us.
As I had paid Parental Leave through work it didn’t make sense for me to take less than six months – but then he took over to get some bonding time with her. My partner runs his own company and could therefore make his own parental leave rules.
The biggest joy was not having to worry about her – or anything – when I went back to work. Plus all the things that had pissed me off when I was on leave – him being late home, him expecting me to do house chores during the day, him chatting about the joys of work – were reversed so we were able to see each other’s points of view.
Most companies still offer dads less paid leave. There’s also still an expectation that men don’t want to take time off with their children, which is infuriating. My partner often talks to his friends about what a privilege it was having three months to be with Roma –bloody hard work, but incredible all the same.
Now we share pick up and drop offs. We always say how important it is for him to be vocal when he’s leaving the office for pick up so the other team members know. In terms of a stigma for me – I truly believe being a working mum makes me a better parent so I never felt any reservations about returning to work. I love our mornings, evenings, weekends and holidays together and she adores being at childcare with other kids her age.